When I think about this past year, it feels both like a lifetime and completely timeless. A year ago, I was deciding whether or not to move from Rochester, NY to Port St. Lucie, FL to take care of my grandma through the pandemic. It was something I felt called to do but I didn’t know if I was ready to take on the challenge.
Fourth of July weekend of 2020, I went on a camping trip with two close friends. When we returned, we sat on our balcony that overlooked Park Ave in Rochester. We wrote together in silence about our separate lives, bonded for that moment in time. The following is what I wrote (edited for grammar and clarity).
July 4th, 2020
I realized this morning that I have had the same intention for all of my adult life—to find inner peace. While the fine details of that peace have changed season to season, the feeling has stayed the same. My search began when I first ventured out on my own at the age of eighteen and moved to Louisiana, a state very different from my New York home.
I went to New Orleans because I wanted to forge my own path. I wanted to do things differently than others. I wanted to follow my intuition, rather than the same milestones we were told would bring us success. When the formation of my path wasn’t immediate, I became depressed. Being so young in a completely new world, not knowing anyone there, I began to feel a kind of dread creep over my body. I noticed my shoulders tightening and jaw clenching. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was very wrong with me.
Some people choose to hike the manmade trails with markers and maps laid out for them. The directions and destination are clear-cut, even if the hike is difficult. Other people crave the wildness. We go off the trail, needing to search deep in the forest to witness the mysteries of life and become one with them. For most of my life, people have warned me that danger lurks when you stray off the path. From decisions like going to New Orleans, dropping out of school, traveling alone as a woman, joining AmeriCorps, and even now, taking care of my grandma.
Over the years, I have heard people’s warnings, and then I did what felt right anyway. When I came across struggles, it was hard not to feel like I was proving people right. Choosing the “road not taken” leads to a lot of pain. On this path, the traveler is more vulnerable to the unpredictability of nature. The traveler must suffer through challenging situations, using creativity to find their way out.
Some people choose to hike the manmade trails with markers and maps laid out for them. The directions and destination are clear-cut, even if the hike is difficult. Other people crave the wildness. We go off the trail, needing to search deep in the forest to witness the mysteries of life and become one with them.
When my non-traditional path turned out to be ripe with challenges and emotional extremes, I became depressed and hard on myself. Why couldn’t I have just chosen a clearcut career that led to a sustainable paycheck, and a sense of stability? Still, I felt the pull to these challenges. I followed a wisp, wandering toward mystery that brought me pain, but also awe-inspiring revelations. All the while, I suffered in self-judgment every time I was hurt. I chose the treacherous path, so I have no right to pity myself when I’m injured.
My life’s task at this moment is to release those judgments. Recently I realized that through the years of what seemed like aimless wandering, I have become adaptable and resilient, traits that were crucial when the pandemic hit and we were all shaken. As everyone was forced to adapt, we have been collectively learning that there is no right way to live. Releasing our judgments of others frees us from self-judgments. This allows us to unlock so much more potential in our lives.
This brings me back to my intention that I set oh so many years ago, and which I have kept choosing—to find inner peace. The first time I set this intention, I didn’t know what inner peace could possibly look or feel like. I blindly pursued it, following little glimpses and having faith it would lead me to something greater. Over time, I have uncovered more and more meaning in my life. I’ve learned that struggles are not reasons to turn back. They are challenges that serve to further define our life’s purpose.
Inner peace is not an object or material state; it is definitely not something money can buy. I set out on a journey, discovering that to find something so intangible, you must look under rocks, and up in the trees, and in caves, and at distant shorelines. You must follow your intuition, your inner teacher. Now, I can recognize that calling to the wild as my guiding force. It takes me where I need to go to learn the lessons I must learn.
The next couple of months after I wrote this, I worked to release self-judgment. People came into my life who propelled me toward creating a platform that will allow me to bring my talents and insights to the world. The ideas in this blog post danced around in the back of my mind. I thought of how best to describe these sentiments. It came to me in the shower one day (as great thoughts always do)—wild & wonderful. I ran with that and have been constantly working on this project since. I am aiming to integrate doula work, reproductive justice, writing, traveling, and more. Follow my blog for real-time mysteries of life revealed.